It's June, the sun shines brighter and longer this month. The skies are bluer, the air is fresher, the windows are left open and the nights are filled with stars.
It's a new month and will be a new season very soon. It's time to start to look ahead and let go of what's behind. It won't be easy, I know. But it's time for me to look forward to being happy and let go of the exhaustion of anger and pain. Time keeps going and so must I.
And I deserve to do it with a smile on my face, a song in my heart and love in my soul.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I am having another lazy morning, courtesy of xbox and club penguin, lol. Ok, not the best sitters but some mornings I really do need a break and this never happens. I love coffee in bed, playing on the laptop and watch trashy TV. I think its one thing to be a single parent, but it really is something else to be the only parent. I am not complaining, not at all. I don't make promises to the boys I don't keep, I know our schedules and we really do have fun. But a few hours of quiet is a rarity.
My youngest son turns 6 tomorrow. Can't believe my baby is growing up. So many changes in our lives and yet he is still the most loving, sweet little boy I know. He is so smart and come so far in school and life since his Dad moved out. He is happy almost all the time, no fear or worry in his eyes, no stress. Its a beautiful thing to see and experience with him.
I don't know where I would be without them right now. If there is one thing Doug gave me that I will cherish always its my 2 amazing boys.
My youngest son turns 6 tomorrow. Can't believe my baby is growing up. So many changes in our lives and yet he is still the most loving, sweet little boy I know. He is so smart and come so far in school and life since his Dad moved out. He is happy almost all the time, no fear or worry in his eyes, no stress. Its a beautiful thing to see and experience with him.
I don't know where I would be without them right now. If there is one thing Doug gave me that I will cherish always its my 2 amazing boys.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
First post
So I decided one day that I would not sit here and wallow in anger and self pity anymore. Oh it still hurts, there are days my emotions get the best of me, or shall I say all of me, but I have my good moments too. The thing is, I can't heal alone. I thought I could. I thought I would be superwoman, 2 jobs, raise 2 young boys, a house, college, pets and everything else that comes in life. I am woman hear me roar as the song goes.
Then I realized its not that easy. That emotions and feelings and pain don't just go away because you are busy. It just sits in the back of your mind and heart. It sneaks up on you at the strangest times and the oddest loneliest hours of the day and night.
It's like a mild toothache, the one that you know is there and usually is so mild you don't feel it, then some times just when you bite into that perfect morsel of food it comes in with vengeance.
Yes this is my blog, about my separation and divorce. My words to share with the world in hopes that 1) I won't be so angry anymore 2) I can begin to heal and 3) maybe someone will read this and also learn something, maybe help someone else to know they are not alone.
Some say I am lucky, my ex left to live with the woman he was "not" having an affair with and now lives in CA. BUT the bad side of this is what led to his moving. He will argue it was my fault as I had to get a restraining order, he quit his job as a po and cannot see the boys. What he won't tell you is the help he was offered, the pain and stalking he did, the counseling we started and he would not continue, the drinking he would do and his completely obsessed behavior with a site called BSG Watercooler.
What he won't tell you is the days and nights he missed with his family, friends and work because he could not get away from the website, added Twitter, Skype and had to listen to Podcasts instead of reading to his boys. Or how he missed basketball, football, baseball & soccer games because he had to be in constant contact. Or that he was so upset when I removed the modem he smashed it. Or took a hammer to his cell phone to prove he "didn't need" it, but only so he could purchase an iPhone a week later.
What he won't say is how is spoke and texted a woman in CA thousands of times a month, hundreds of minutes all the while saying he was too busy for us. Or she Diana Dewey swore to me she would never come between him & his kids. How I tried to understand and friend her only for her to block me from everything a week later. I don't understand how she did this nor how she can be a teacher to small children. What kind of role model is that?
What he won't tell you is he isn't paying child support nor how he left me with all the bills to take care and now expects me to continue this because he can't find a job in CA.
He could have stayed, he could've made things better, he had a wonderful life of family, work, love, a home, children and wife and threw it all away to recreate himself as TopGunGWC and live with Lady D and be on GWC all the time.
I don't understand and I know I never will. It's not for me to fix. What I need to do is heal. What I need to do is let go of my anger. Not for him, but for myself and my boys. To be healthy and take care of them. To make sure they know they are safe and secure and loved and they really do come first. That they matter and always will. He will never know the emotional damage he caused, but I'll be damned if I am going to sit by quietly while he goes off into his "new" life as he has done before. Yes 3 times before me.
And yes, with that background I should have known...alas he is very charming and has no problem moving on to get what he wants regardless of what baggage he leaves behind.
Doug's world always did center around Doug no matter what the rest of us had or wanted to do.
So that's my beginning....of the end of my marriage and this is the beginning of my healing.
Then I realized its not that easy. That emotions and feelings and pain don't just go away because you are busy. It just sits in the back of your mind and heart. It sneaks up on you at the strangest times and the oddest loneliest hours of the day and night.
It's like a mild toothache, the one that you know is there and usually is so mild you don't feel it, then some times just when you bite into that perfect morsel of food it comes in with vengeance.
Yes this is my blog, about my separation and divorce. My words to share with the world in hopes that 1) I won't be so angry anymore 2) I can begin to heal and 3) maybe someone will read this and also learn something, maybe help someone else to know they are not alone.
Some say I am lucky, my ex left to live with the woman he was "not" having an affair with and now lives in CA. BUT the bad side of this is what led to his moving. He will argue it was my fault as I had to get a restraining order, he quit his job as a po and cannot see the boys. What he won't tell you is the help he was offered, the pain and stalking he did, the counseling we started and he would not continue, the drinking he would do and his completely obsessed behavior with a site called BSG Watercooler.
What he won't tell you is the days and nights he missed with his family, friends and work because he could not get away from the website, added Twitter, Skype and had to listen to Podcasts instead of reading to his boys. Or how he missed basketball, football, baseball & soccer games because he had to be in constant contact. Or that he was so upset when I removed the modem he smashed it. Or took a hammer to his cell phone to prove he "didn't need" it, but only so he could purchase an iPhone a week later.
What he won't say is how is spoke and texted a woman in CA thousands of times a month, hundreds of minutes all the while saying he was too busy for us. Or she Diana Dewey swore to me she would never come between him & his kids. How I tried to understand and friend her only for her to block me from everything a week later. I don't understand how she did this nor how she can be a teacher to small children. What kind of role model is that?
What he won't tell you is he isn't paying child support nor how he left me with all the bills to take care and now expects me to continue this because he can't find a job in CA.
He could have stayed, he could've made things better, he had a wonderful life of family, work, love, a home, children and wife and threw it all away to recreate himself as TopGunGWC and live with Lady D and be on GWC all the time.
I don't understand and I know I never will. It's not for me to fix. What I need to do is heal. What I need to do is let go of my anger. Not for him, but for myself and my boys. To be healthy and take care of them. To make sure they know they are safe and secure and loved and they really do come first. That they matter and always will. He will never know the emotional damage he caused, but I'll be damned if I am going to sit by quietly while he goes off into his "new" life as he has done before. Yes 3 times before me.
And yes, with that background I should have known...alas he is very charming and has no problem moving on to get what he wants regardless of what baggage he leaves behind.
Doug's world always did center around Doug no matter what the rest of us had or wanted to do.
So that's my beginning....of the end of my marriage and this is the beginning of my healing.
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